Planet Fitness made a colossal blunder, akin to a Bud Light-level mistake, by permitting access to locker rooms based on self-identified gender, resulting in offense to the majority of Americans. However, this misstep proved advantageous to Planet Fitness’s primary competitor, Globo Gym International. CEO Joe Barron of Globo Gym likened the current gym landscape to the legendary battles of yore, particularly against Ice’s Gym.
“Fortunately, the Planet Fitness clientele was seeking an alternative,” stated Wron. “We swiftly decided to adopt Joe’s philosophy, discard our judgments, and cater to the demographic of portly soccer moms.” Barron emphasized that offering these individuals free memberships for a year was a sound business move. While they might not pay membership fees, they are likely to spend $54 on bottled water and an average of $27 per week at the smoothie bar, mostly on Great Value frozen okra.
Our ALLOD Fitness Correspondent, Tara Newhole, ventured to Ice’s Globo Gym to gauge community reactions to the boycott. “Well, Flagg,” reported Newhole, “since I’m on another one of these wild goose chases, I figured I’d grab a Whataburger and head over to Planet Fitness instead. People I spoke to mentioned a noticeable decrease in membership, not due to widespread defection but because the departing members were the obnoxious truck-flagging cultists who never bother to wipe their sweat off the machines.”
While this might be encouraging news in Tara’s peculiar universe, it doesn’t alter the fact that Globo Gym has gained numerous new members, a development far more gratifying. God bless America.