The cosmos seems to be finding its balance once more. During this week’s pre-Olympic tryouts in Negasquam, Minnesota, Riley Gaines clinched qualifications for two events, while Lia Thomas faltered in hers.
“Riley displayed the prowess of a true champion,” remarked former Olympic Medalist Joe Barron. “It was an honor to oversee her performances. As for Thomas, she appeared as if she hadn’t trained in months.”
According to somewhat dubious sources close to the Olympics, Thomas seemed to rely solely on her wingspan and heightened testosterone levels to carry her through the trials, harboring hopes of emulating Rocky Balboa’s training regimen in a remote Russian town near Springfield, Siberia.
“That’s not how the game works,” admonished Barron, still holding the world record for the 10K meter broadstroke. “You must approach every race as if it’s your last, or something along those lines.”
Sporting Analysticator Tara Newhole opted to report from her couch, citing the absence of Del Tacos in Minnesota as the reason. “I’m growing weary of your culinary preferences dictating my travel,” she quipped. “How about next week we cover something in Tarpon Springs, and I’ll fetch you some pastitsio?”
Newhole expressed her exasperation with the entire premise of the story, likening it to the absurdity of a tale about a man in Maine pretending to be from Tallahassee just to satisfy his craving for Del Taco, a food she evidently finds repulsive. “It’s becoming tiresome,” she muttered. “Stupid. There’s a reason we’re down to one or two articles a week, patriots. Catering to the bizarre whims of dim-witted cultists isn’t a walk in the park. God bless America.”