Beyoncé Knowles aspires to become a country star, seemingly unsatisfied with her record-breaking Grammy achievements. However, the Academy of Country Music has seen through her intentions and rejected her membership request.
“Frankly,” stated ACM Executive Director Joe Barron, “We initially thought she was joking. She released a song with a hint of country flair and now wants to pursue an album. Our response was straightforward: go ahead. But it won’t integrate you into our community.”
The ACM disregarded Beyoncé’s Texan heritage and genuine fondness for the genre. “She should’ve considered that before producing all that garbage music and ‘woke’ nonsense,” added Barron. “We already have Garth Brooks, and we’re terminating his membership come April.”
Deprived of ACM membership, Beyoncé loses eligibility for ACM Music Awards and the opportunity to perform at the Grand Ole Opry. She’s also excluded from members’ night at Kid Rock’s Nashville Honkytonk ($5 entry with a two-drink minimum) and forfeits the 10% discount at Golden Corral or early access to the Bass Pro Shop annual gun safe sale.
“It’s a devastating setback for her country aspirations,” remarked a man named Lou, loitering at a Galveston 7-11. “Without the ACM award, she might not secure her place among music’s elite.”
Though Lou appeared sluggish, we expressed gratitude with a pack of Winstons and a bag of Fireball nips. God Bless America.