The National Hockey League has faced its fair share of issues regarding wokeness. Unlike the NFL, NASCAR, and the NBA, however, the NHL prides itself on listening to its fans.
After a failed attempt at “pride nights” last season, the league has decided to cancel these events for the upcoming year. “It doesn’t make sense to organize events that cater to individuals who typically don’t watch hockey,” stated League Commissioner Joe Barron. “We encountered empty seats and a few altercations. It was a disaster.”
The altercations primarily involved the event coordinator, Satana Holliday, and Toronto Maple Leafs fan Lisa Pais. “It became apparent that these two worlds simply shouldn’t collide,” Barron remarked.
Eyewitnesses reported that Pais instigated the altercation by throwing a snowcone at Holliday and hurling insults, including a derogatory term. Holliday retaliated by confronting a nearby hot dog vendor who was innocently going about his duties.
“Suck on these, whorer,” Holliday shouted as she flung steaming hot wieners at Pais. “Is that all you got, you sweaty skank?” Pais retorted, her mouth full of savory pork, chicken, and beef byproducts. The argument escalated throughout most of the second period.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Pride Night—an utter catastrophe. Authorities eventually intervened and separated the two after they agreed to cover the hot dog guy’s medical expenses. God Bless America.